August 2009 Archive

What Questions To Ask and How to Listen to the Answers on a Date.

What Questions to Ask

So you have got as far as arranging a date to meet and you must have a load of questions or perhaps you are wondering which questions to ask. Always remember they will also we wondering about the same things. In answer to the question should you talk about old relationships read this post Should You Talk About Old Relationships first. If you need some advice on informal questions read this post Questions To Ask On A First Date.

To be more specific you need to ask questions that concentrate on three main areas that are proven to shed light on just about everything else in a persons life.

1. How tolerant and compassionate is this person.
2. What is there social and economic background.
3. How satisfied are they with their lives

You probably want to know about their track record with relationships but asking a direct question is not advisable, but unless they have something to hide they should tell you general details, by asking questions related to the three issues above you will learn a bit more to fill in any significant gaps. Here are some questions which you can adapt:

• Where were you born and raised, its two questions in one so find out both.
• You obviously know where they live now, if not find out, and ask what made them move there.
• Where do or did their parents live and what do they do or did for a living
• How many siblings or children do they have and are they in contact.
• You should know what they do in their free time but try to elaborate.
• What concerns them most about the world we live in and what makes them really angry.
• What do they think about the disadvantaged or victims of some natural disaster.
• What books or magazines do they read.
• What TV shows do they watch and what is their favourite programme.
• Do they belong to any political parties, organisations or clubs.
• What are their goals for the next five years and how are they going to achieve them
• What did they want to be when they were at school, and did their parents help them.
• Did they achieve their ambitions and if not, why not, leading to what have they done since.

Adapt and modify thee questions to suit your circumstances plus add a few of your own that are relevant.

Asking the questions is one thing you will only get good answers if you listen to, and watch the reply as body language needs to fit the words. If you are in a restaurant watch how they  treats the waiters or waitresses and how he pays the bill.

You may need to ask questions in three different ways, but if its going well just stick to the first two as being argumentative could lead to a disaster.

1. Open ended – this is an open invitation to just chat so let them say what they want, the skill in asking this sort of question is that you do not give any expectation of what you want the answer to be so they are much more likely to give you an honest answer.
2. Leading – this is a specific question that demands a specific answer and it help is you let them know you know a bit about the subject so they cannot pull the wool over your eyes. So put the question in terms of how, what, or does… do you have, or can you think of…
3. Argumentative – this is a direct confrontation used as a last resort to obtain information, which could mean the end the relationship. So if you feel you need to do it just stop and ask if its worth the ill feeling that may arise, if you have nagging doubts then you already have your answer.

How to Listen to the Answers

It is often the case that people asking questions talk so much they never hear the answer, so if you want hear hear the reply and gain the information you need the first thing you have to do is stop talking.

Here are some good listening do’s and dont’s

• Do not interrupt or you may lose it, within reason let people talk for as long as they like, watch some TV interviews some let people go on and hang themselves others interrupt so often they never get an answer to their questions.
• Empathise with what they are saying, do not condemn their views, patronise them or get into and argument even if you disagree. The idea is to find out what they think, if you find it objectionable then you may have your answer to the question is this relationship going anywhere do not.
• Get involved with what they are saying to show you are listening, ask for clarification on things you do not understand or know nothing about. Also give them the occasion OK, or right and nod your head but do not go overboard it is a distraction.
• Be aware of your own body language, grimacing, frowning, shaking your head, looking around the room or at the ceiling is guaranteed to get them to stop. To show that you are interested, lean slightly forward, make eye contact for most of the time, and smile.
• Do not indicate what you consider to be right or wrong answers either verbally or non verbally, they will pick it up and respond accordingly

Talking About Yourself

You already know that it takes two to have a good conversation, so even if you have all the right questions lined up they are no use to you unless you can first of all listen and then give something of yourself. You can do this a little bit to see if they are going to respond in kind or use to make some point, avoid a situation whereby you tell them everything and they tell you nothing. Consider the context in which things are said which do  not necessarily mean the same when taken on their face value. Listen with all you senses and not just your ears what is your intuition saying to you.

Create the Right Environment and Set the Scene

• You need to be in the right place to have the right sort of conversation, if its a fun trip out then heavy conversation would be inappropriate.
• If its between the two of you on personal issues then you need some degree of privacy in a public place, you do not want an audience, or constant interruption.
• You need clear line of sight so you can see and hear them in order to read their body language, if there are flowers on the table in the way move them.
• Get rid of or prevent any distractions or possible distractions such as the cell phone ringing just when they were about to tell you what you wanted to know.

It is Also a  Question of Timing

• Timing is crucially important, there are always good times and bad times to raise certain issues depending on the mood and the situation.
• If some kind of event has happened that will have caused some kind of unset then leave the questions for another time.
• Go slowly and easy do not rush into penetrating questions as the conversation may well grind to a halt and remember that what one person believes in may cause offence to others.
• You do not have to get answers to all your  questions in one go leave some for another time.
• Even if you have been able to ask all those important questions it may appropriate to give them some time to think things over before they give you an answer.